6829 – 0186
Question:
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa raḥmatu -llāhi wa-barakātuhū Mufti
My brother and sister in law do not allow their toddler and baby to spend any time alone with my parents (daadi and dada). My parents aren’t allowed to take them to the park, for a short walk or have them over for the afternoon. They aren’t even left in my parents care in emergency situations. My parents don’t interfere with their parenting at all and are always respectful and considerate regarding their parenting choices. The reasoning they have given is that a childs place up until the age of 7 is in the lap of the mother.
I can see the pain this is causing to my parents as they have waited for grandchildren for a long time and wish to spend more time with them. Can mufti please advise if this is fair and correct?
Answer:
As salām ʿalaikum wa raḥmatullāhī wa barakātuhu
In the Name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Sister in Islām.
We take note of your concern which reflects your love for your parents and your desire for the family to be and feel connected. This is indeed commendable.
Children are a great blessing, and the bond between grandparents and grandchildren is at times cherished to a greater extent than even the bond between parent and child. Grandparents play a special role in the upbringing of children, their tarbiyah, and in the love and wisdom they impart to the children. At the same time, parents hold the primary responsibility for their children, and they have the right to decide what they feel is best for their upbringing, as long as it is within the boundaries of the sharīʿah.
While there is no doubt that a mother plays a central role in the early upbringing of a child, Islām emphasizes a balanced approach as understood from the relationship Rasūlullāh had and cherished with Ḥasan and Ḥusayn.
It is understandable that your parents feel hurt by this situation, especially when they have shown respect for the parents’ wishes and have been considerate in their involvement. However, it is essential to approach this matter with wisdom, patience, and good akhlāq. Harshness, confrontation, or reproducing a fatwā to them may further strain the relationship.
It may prove beneficial for you to approach a senior whom your brother and sister-in-law respect to gently advise them on the benefits of allowing the children to develop a close bond with their grandparents. Grandparents can provide love, guidance, and tarbiyah that is irreplaceable. Further, spending time with them in a safe and nurturing environment will create memories that the chidlren will hold dear for the rest of their lives.
It is also important to acknowledge that, as parents, your brother and sister-in-law may have their own concerns, and it is their right to prioritize what they believe is best for their children. Through good character, understanding, and continued kindness, they may become more open to reevaluating their position over time.
Above all, encourage your parents to remain patient and to continue making duʿā. Sometimes hearts are softened not through words but through the barakah of sincere duʿā. Remind them of the reward of patience and of maintaining family ties even in difficult circumstances.
Consider the following:
During moments of joy and prosperity, extended families bask in the glow of shared laughter and celebrations. It is easy to revel in the beauty of kinship
when the sun shines brightly, but it is in the storm’s embrace that the mettle of these relationships are truly forged.
And Allāh Taʿālā knows best.